


do you even feel it now?

by Laeana



Series: σh darling, we were meant to be. [3]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Denial of Feelings, Feelings Realization, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Idiots in Love, Insecure Lando, Love Confessions, M/M, Relationship Advice, Slow Burn, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Unconsciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:54:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27727118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laeana/pseuds/Laeana
Summary: "Lando ? Come on, it's like a little brother to me."These words make him bite his lip. He knows that technically he wasn't supposed to hear those words but still.And then what, it's not like he's in love with Carlos.Or how Lando is terribly inconscious and ends up finding his soulmate that was right under his eyes.
Relationships: Lando Norris/Carlos Sainz Jr
Series: σh darling, we were meant to be. [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2019431
Comments: 6
Kudos: 47





	do you even feel it now?

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [cringe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22378567) by [Laeana](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laeana/pseuds/Laeana). 



> featuring : Preach by Saint Motel

Lando has this little soulmark on his left side, right where his armpit sticks to his arm. It’s a circle surrounded by several others. It reminds him of a flower. Always. He searched for his soulmate for a while.

When he was fifteen, pressed by the crowd movement all around him, he thought it might be a good thing to find it. It was unfortunately delayed. 

He never had this feeling that it was close to him.

Sometimes he got along very well with people to the point where he would wish that, somewhere, it was the one intended for him. But no matter how much he wanted or maybe thought it was, it never was.

Carlos has a bright smile and it’s insane how much he warms him from the inside when he’s talking to him or just looking at him. The older man quickly understood his shortcomings, his doubts, his problems and had always reassured him, had always found the right words to comfort him.

To stop his existential crises, his crises where he wondered if he really had his place here among the others. To fear that one day someone sees the masquerade and points a finger at him, revealing everything, causing him to lose his seat.

It’s a bit of an obvious fact between them. They became friends quite easily, despite their differences, they found some things in common. Everything seemed to be going well.

Well, sometimes we come across conversations that we don't really want to come across. A familiar tingling awakens on his side. He often has it when he walks in the paddock and he can't help but think that it definitely means something.

Most of the pilots are gathered in a hotel room. He is the last to arrive, surprised by a call from his parents. He stops on the threshold, curious when he hears it talking about him.

From here, he can already see Carlos leaning against Nico, they are quite close these days, he almost wonders if they ...

— Lanno ? Come on, it's like a little brother to me.

Then the Spaniard gently kisses the cheek of the German against whom he is sitting who sketches a smile.

These words make him bite his lip. He knows that technically he wasn't supposed to hear those words but still. Is he too childish ? Not worthy enough of the affection of his teammate ?

And then what, it's not like he's in love with Carlos.

His enthusiasm cut off, he finally decides to turn back. To go back to his room. He knows he won't be able to follow the evening or endure it. He's not in the mood anymore.

**go on without me, don't feel good. :(**

Lando prefers to send this message to Max who cares more about him lately. He sometimes envies the simple happiness which the Dutchman enjoys with his newly found soulmate.

**Oh ? need someone ? can come if you want?**

He almost smiles. It's too kind of him.

**enjoy your evening with your boyfriend, a good night's sleep and I'll probably get better. See you tomorrow :)**

He then puts his phone down, not checking the next answer which is surely a confirmation at most. 

He silences his questions by putting on his headphones before going out onto the small balcony of his room. It’s a little cold outside but the cold calms him, seems to numb his heart. He closes his eyes.

The next day, he walks on the pits to settle the last formalities with his team. There is only one race left and his first year will be over. He feels both anxious and excited. He crosses paths with Carlos in a gust of wind and barely has time to greet him, but the latter does not seem to care more.

Finally he spends some of his time with Max while the latter is neither monopolized by Redbull nor with his boyfriend. They play a quick game on their phones and, looking up, his friend looks worried.

— Lando ? Is that ... a mark on your neck ?

— Sorry what ?

He uses his phone as a mirror and comes to slightly raise his collar. A blackish hematoma appeared along his right collarbone. He hadn't even noticed it … 

He raises his eyebrows.

— Apparently. I ... I ... my soulmate hurt me ?

It's the first time. On taking a closer look, the stigmas seem to extend slightly beyond the wound, creating a sort of hazy effect on his skin. Almost pretty.

— You don't know who it is ?

He shakes his head negatively, puts his top back in place to try to completely hide the injury.

— And Carlos ?

He lets his gaze freeze in the background as he reflects. How did he not even feel the pain ? He was so focused on being himself, brushing off all those negative emotions, keeping a smile on his face.

He doesn't know if the mark is from yesterday or today. He stares at it incomprehensibly, imagining his outlines almost perfectly through his clothes. It means a lot. His soulmate is nearby, his soulmate is in the paddock. 

And his soulmate hurt him.

— Aren't you in too much pain ?

— Not exactly. I didn't even feel it. I don't know when it appeared.

— Pay attention to yourself okay ? You will eventually find who it is, that person seems inevitably around you. Maybe someone close ?

The discovery left him speechless. Not much happier than before. He doesn't know what to feel anymore, he wasn't really looking for his mate anymore and now ... he doesn't want to go around everyone around him either.

Lando sees the members of his team waving to him from a distance. A meeting ? He quickly greets Max who sighs and heads for it. A few words are exchanged. He tries to be as attentive as possible, but it's complicated. All his thoughts are directed to this thing hidden under his collar.

— Are you okay, chico ? You seem to be a little daydreaming ?

He gives Carlos a distracted smile because he obviously doesn't want the older one to worry about him.

— You know you can tell me what's wrong ?

They are friends after all. And he's like a brother to him. At the thought, he grimaces.

— Say ... what do you think of soulmates ?

What he doesn't expect is that the Spaniard bursts out laughing when he hears these words. It makes him uncomfortable and he pouts.

— Don’t be mad ! It's just that ... is that what worries you ? Love stories ? Ah, dios mios.

— I understand, I stop with this topic.

— Come on, you wanted to know my opinion, right ?

He looks up, because he is curious, of course. Even if his teammate has just made fun of him widely.

— This is a good thing. But I also think it doesn't define you. You don't have to love the person who is meant for you. We should be able to be free of our own choices, don't you think ?

— And Nico ?

He does not miss how the expression of his friend softens at this mention. A strange feeling floats in his stomach. He's not sure he likes it.

— We've known each other for a long time. I have a lot of affection for him.

This is not the question he was asking. He doesn't really dare to correct the situation, that doesn't concern him in a certain way. Then Carlos puts his hand on his shoulder and he feels his bruise ignite, for the first time. A real pain that he tries to calm by taking a deep breath, freeing himself from this simple gesture.

— Cabrón ? You're okay ?

He closes his eyes, focusing very hard on everything. Anything except this sudden pain. The wind blowing on his face, the cold, something that can help him stabilize.

He was like a blank slate. Empty of any injury. Does the first really have to hurt that much ? He wants to ask Max or Pierre ... someone likely to answer him.

He spends several minutes, his fingernails dug into his palms, seeking contact with reality before he can reopen his eyelids. His teammate looks at him with great concern.

— Are you okay, Lando ? What happened ?

In truth, nothing prevents him from being honest, nothing prevents him from saying what is wrong, what really happened. However ...

— I felt pain in my arm, maybe a cramp, I'm not sure. Everything is fine now.

— So much the better. You shouldn't miss the last race of your rookie year, right ?

The Spaniard gives him a wink before leaving.

Later, at the hotel, Lando stands in front of the mirror. Shirtless. He's not that athletic, he's not fat or too skinny, he knows that by working harder he could bring out those abs more. But that's not what interests him.

He traces the outline of his wound with his fingertips, slowly. When he presses on it, it’s now painful. A little bit. Nothing like what he felt before.

The black turned to bluish. Green in some places too. According to what he has been told, the mark is not about to disappear, however. How out of the ordinary does it contrast with his skin ?

It does task on this expanse. As having no place to be. He doesn't know what it’s doing here, why is he supposedly injured ?

_ You don't have to love the person who is meant for you.  _

He doesn't understand, really doesn't. It's an echo he doesn't like to hear again, which hurts his head. What is it, honestly ?

_ Come on, it's like a little brother to me. _

__

He bites his lip, forcing himself to move to silence that voice in his head, he desperately needs to stop thinking.

His last race is coming too quickly. He is moved, he loses his words. He is a little less the person he was yesterday and tomorrow he will be a little less that of today. Losing his youth, losing his innocence.

The drivers want to have a party afterwards, for the end of the season. He doesn't even know if he's going to go yet. He needs all of his emotions to come down. The excitement, the nervousness, the discovery, the expectations, his ambitions ...

Like a kind of burn-out. He always feels like he's not enough. He has a little bout of tears, far from everyone's eyes. Or at least he thinks so.

— Are you okay ?

He tries to wipe his eyes. In panic. But that doesn't calm his breathing or his tremors. It's Pierre.

— The end of the season ...

That's all he manages to mumble and that's apparently enough for the Frenchman to understand since his eyes light up with a certain glow.

— I understand. Same thing happened to me. Well, not to me. To Charles. I had to hold him in my arms until he calmed down, way too emotional that evening, he had come to find me directly. And he didn't know yet that I was his soulmate ...

It’s nostalgia as well as a bit of tenderness that emerges from the older one at this time.

Lando wants to know, he wants to know so badly too.

— Pierre ? How does it feel ... to be with your soulmate ?

— I'm not in the best position to answer, I think.

Such an expectation. He doesn't really care about those words, he just wants to have a vision of this happiness, this glow.

— For me it was first a lot of pain. The fact that he didn't know. That he was hurting me without wanting to. But there were a lot of happy moments too and now I'm happy. He won't leave me.

Pierre's blue irises are riveted in the void, as if rising in his memory, thread by thread.

— I think I loved him before knowing the notion of soulmate, before knowing what love was. And even if everything cannot always be ideal, there will be ups and downs, arguments of course, I know that we will manage to stay together despite everything.

— How can you be so sure ?

— I believe in him. I believe in us. I know it's cliché but I can't think of it any other way. I think you'll understand it when you live it.

A global vision. Something that causes suffering. Then happiness. Paradoxical notions and linked at the same time. Often bad moments are necessary to end up happier.

He wonders there what kind of joy is intended for him ?

— Oh, cabrón, did you cry ? You have red eyes.

Carlos who is far too observant. As often when it concerns him. He shrugs his shoulders.

— The end of the season.

— It's special, isn't it ?

A kind of nostalgia, once again. That he hasn't yet. After all, it just ended for him.

— Come on, you will have several years ahead of you. Perhaps even the most beautiful, the surprising. You have plenty of time in front of you, with your talent, I'm sure you will succeed in becoming an excellent driver.

He smiles.

And the next evening, he finally decides to come to this party. His eyes widen when he sees the building. A villa ? Opulence makes him wince. He readjusts his shirt nervously. Sometimes he has a hard time thinking about all that this coming year means.

— Lando ! I was afraid you wouldn't come.

Max walks up to him, Daniel with an arm wrapped around his shoulders. Possessive ? Either way, he's happy to see both.

— I couldn't miss it anyway.

— Are you okay with the blues ? Because I know a certain person for whom the end of his first year was complicated.

It takes a moment for the Dutchman to realize that the oldest one is talking about him and exclaims, sounding quite embarrassed.

— Not true at all ! I was just ... you're annoying !

— Yeah, yeah, you love me, Maxy, admit it.

He rolls his eyes, amused by the scene offered to him by the couple. It’s soft. Alex and George are farther to the right and he's going to creep up next to them, sharing the same feeling a bit.

— Let’s raise a glass ? Now that you are fully of age ?

— In some countries, I was ! It's not nice to make fun of my age.

— Yes, yes, baby Lando. We understand.

Lando sniffs, uncompromisingly. Silence falls on them. He takes a sip of the beer, trying to adjust to the bitter taste. Not his favorite. Perhaps the mood has become far too melancholy.

— The end of the year sucks, eh ...

— You've got me used to being more talkative anyway.

— Let us rehash all these memories, we will talk after having had our little depression.

It makes them smile somehow. They stare at the other pilots who move around them, having fun. This young nostalgia is something complicated. That many cannot understand. That often the older ones see with a bored eye, thinking it futile, frivolous.

It's not that, really. It's something deeper that takes your guts, whether it's when you're in a group or when you're alone at two o'clock, staring at nightlife through your window and wondering what happiness really is.

To wonder if in our generation, in our time, we can really access it because it seems so complicated. Everything gets complicated over time, we regret the time we have not known, when it seemed easier to just communicate.

An arm wraps around his shoulders, he lets it go; it's Carlos after all. One of the only people who evokes the notion of security to him.

— We're playing a game, are you coming ?

Truth or dare. This kind of games always smell bad. Nah but frankly, bad idea. The person who throws it knows that his proposal has the capacity of an atomic bomb on the room.

He settles between Max and George. Across the room, he has a perfect visual on his teammate and Nico. He looks away. Pierre gives him a small smile. He tries to relax, just a little. And when after having gone in all possible directions (including kisses in every way, a pole dance and an almost striptease), the game turns into a never have I ever.

He knows he's probably going to get some embarrassment for him as he still has a few things to experiment with. Including his first time.

— Lando, start like you're the youngest ?

He almost comes out of his thoughts in surprise. Too many things on her mind right now.

— I never ... had two different teammates in F1.

This sentence attracts some grimaces. He laughs softly. Even Alex is forced to drink so he is satisfied. A few others follow one another. Then one arrives. George walks hesitantly.

— I've never been hurt by my soulmate ?

Most drink. The one that proposed does not drink, neither Daniel, Carlos, Valtteri. Lando feels the eyes linger on him as he grabs his drink and slowly swallows it.

— Cabrón, you ...

The question is on the lips of his teammate and on those of many others around them. Max puts a hand on his back and he shrugs, trying to distract him.

And it seems that the others take no offense since the game resumes. The gaze of the other Mclaren pilot lingers on him for a moment longer, but it’s light. Ephemeral.

Interest is sagging. Everyone seems to be starting conversations on their own so the game just ends. He drops onto a sofa. Surrounded by two French people. No, sorry, a French and a Monegasque.

— You don't know who it is ? asks Pierre, maybe curious.

— Sorry ?

— You don't know who your soulmate is ?

He shakes his head. Charles is the one with the brighter smile of the two, maybe his posture, leaning heavily against the older pilot, has something to do with it.

— I was injured but I didn't realize it right away. I don't know ...

— You know the person has to be close to you ? adds the Monegasque, thoughtful. His words should also hurt you or echo your heart in some way.

He already understood that. But that does not clarify it at all because it is not for lack of having already thought about it. He gets lost again all around thoughts which do not necessarily have to be but which are always present, anchored somewhere in him. Pierre tries to help :

— Could it be Alex or George ?

— No. I've seen their marks before and it didn't seem ... right.

— And Carlos ?

He is silent at this proposal. He would be lying if he said he hadn't already considered it. He just cased it in the back of his head, sure not. But he cannot deny the doubt, cannot deny these emotions, especially since ...

_ Come on, it's like a little brother to me. _

— Lando ? You know, it might sound silly but you should ask to see his mark ? That way you would definitely know, that would fix the situation.

So simple. That it is almost complicated. Pierre breaks away from his companion and even accompanies him to the door behind which they learned that Carlos had disappeared. A pat on the back and he's left alone.

His hand on the doorknob, his heart is pounding and his mind is a mess. He didn't think he'd find love so soon. However, he looks like ... he doesn't mind if it's him somehow.

Lando opens.

And obviously freezes.

He just hadn't thought about it, that's all.

Carlos and Nico, half-naked, in the middle of a session of more than touches affectionate. He is mortified.

— Sorry, I ... sorry.

But then, something else happens. He feels sick. He knows it's hard to suddenly hope and be disappointed, but that's not it. His breathing becomes irregular as he feels the familiar pain in his neck.

He turns around and leaves quickly. Undoing his shirt collar. Pressing with one hand on his collarbone where the pain ignites. His vision becomes cloudy, a vice seems to have rested on his heart.

_ Come on, it's like a little brother to me. _

Or maybe, from the start, he was in love with his teammate.

Realizing this is the worst. Several pilots try to taunt him, stop him from running god knows where, but he doesn't even see their faces and slips through their hands so easily.

He comes out of there.

Runs.

Anywhere. He wants the pain to go away. It hurts so much, he never realized it and it seems to be spreading all over his body. He would give anything to be rid of it. Of this pain.

When he stops, the landscape is unknown, he crumbles to the ground. He’s near a river, on its banks. His breathing seems to be the only sound echoing in the silence and when he opens his phone with trembling fingers, he realizes that his wound is purplish again, more extensive than before. He knows now.

And he guess all the guys at the party know that by now, too. He moans at his own impulsiveness. Everyone probably saw his bruise. Damn it. He doesn't want to go back there, he wants to disappear.

He rubs his eyes with his palms until he sees stars under his tearful eyelids. Panic anchored deep inside him.

He managed to get away from the villa. He doesn't want to see anyone. He readjusts his position, rests his chin on his knees, and stares at the slowly flowing water under his eyes. Next to him, his phone, placed face down on the screen, vibrates several times. Messages, calls.

His soulmate hurt him. 

His soulmate is Carlos.

He remembers the heat every time he's been by his side and it's almost so obvious that he feels like a fool. Their bond, his way of always finding the right words, the eternal need for comfort, the hugs. He has always found the Spaniard too good for him.

Fate has a funny way of doing it, doesn't it ?

His throat is hoarse. 

After a while, he turns his phone over and it's also at this moment that a call from Max pops up on his screen. He hesitates a moment before picking up.

— Yes ?

— Are you okay ? We were super worried when you left like that.

— It's better. I needed ...

He will never finish his sentence. But the Dutchman still seems to understand what he is implying.

— Alright Alright. You can come back ? Or ... or we can pick you up ? We just need to know where you are.

— I think I'll walk home.

He needs to think a little more. To externalize his emotions. Not to suddenly think that his soulmate does not want him, is with another. Need to become Lando again as always, to put a smile on his face.

The journey seems longer than the outward journey, perhaps because he no longer runs. His heart is cooling down and his tears have definitely dried. 

When he arrives in sight of the building, he breathes and he walks towards the entrance when the door of this one opens and Carlos runs on him to hug him.

— Good god, Lando, you scared me so much.

— I don't understand ...

— I'm sorry, I didn't know.

The Spaniard kisses his bruise gently, stroking the skin that has suffered previously. This contact makes him tremble.

— You are my soulmate, corazón. I didn't know you were so close to me. 

— You ... you want me ? I thought ... with Nico ...

— He's more than a friend. It's mostly habits that we kept for a long time, because we were alone, you know. Sometimes we are so obsessed with this soulmark idea that not finding it kills us. 

His teammate puts a look on his lips, as if he thought about it without daring, while waiting for an authorization. He smiles softly, he finds it difficult to realize, it is not possible. He steps forward, placing a hand on his cheek and letting their mouths meet.

— Excuse me, is- ...

They stand out, breathless, eye to eye, unable to look at anything else, not to feel anything other than this electric shock, this feeling of plenitude, this emptiness which is being filled. They finally did it.

— hum. Well, some are going to leave, finally, Seb is going ... anyway, come back inside ?

— We arrive.

— Right now ?

— In five seconds.

They wait patiently for Daniel to come inside to exchange another kiss. Carlos hugs him tightly. He feels good, safe. As always, every time he's with the other McLaren driver.

— Finally found you. Dios mios. I will never let you go again. Should you come ... no you should come with me to Madrid. Meet my family.

— Carlos, Carlos, calm down. We have plenty of time. I've seen your family before, you know.

— We have already lost a year, tesoro ! And then ... I didn't introduce you as a boyfriend to them.

The red rises to his cheeks. He doesn't know, he has so many doubts. The bright eyes of the older man should be enough, there is so much hope in it. Maybe he, too, waited a long time, searched.

— I'd love to come. Are you sure ?

— Of course.

His teammate grabs his hand, gently kisses his knuckles, before keeping it tight in his. Just before entering, his companion stops for a moment.

— It might sound quick. I thought about it, I thought about you. And I was scared because you were younger, Lando. But for all that you brought to me, still today, I love you. From the bottom of my heart.

Lando does not have time to answer, they enter the room. A funny atmosphere reigns there, something has cooled the mood, he does not know what. Sebastian already has his coat on his back, he smiles when he sees them both, a thin smile on his pale face, blue eyes aching.

— Have a happy holiday together.

It is so sincere.

He watches the silhouette of the Ferrari driver disappear behind the door. It may not be his business, but he is sorry.

— I was right ?

The French accent makes him turn around and he finds himself facing the Franco-Monegasque couple who have a sparkling air. He just shows the hand that is in his.

— Everything ended well, I'm relieved.

— At the same time, sweetheart, you could have avoided pushing him like that.

— Charlie ... can't we stay on a positive note ?

Pierre grimaces and Charles laughs softly, kissing his lips gently. The other pilots around them gather lightly. Except Lewis, who talks absently with Valtteri, staring at his phone, looking defeated.

Max offers him a wink.

— Have you planned your vacation ?

— Madrid, España.

Carlos seems very proud and he is moved when he sees him like that. So peaceful. It's almost as if the whole evening has been perfect. 

The arm around his waist asserts himself, he lets himself go. Realizing that he forgot something, he lets go of his little secret. The one who hurt him long before he knew it.

— I love you too, Carlos.

The smile offered by his companion has no equal response.

**Author's Note:**

> a bit different from the others pov, because I somehow thought differently about Lando. And also I wanted to put a different kind of atmosphere here, hope you liked it!


End file.
